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Thanksgiving

I have James family here.   It

has been a good day and fun    They are all very nice.

ive gone to my room twice to breath.  I am out for several hours.  Watched football.

Everyone are resting or napping.   I decided to go to my room to rest after dinner.

Thank you God for a blessed thanksgiving.

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The afternoon when Michael jimmy was born

I had been in labor for week waited for my next dr appt.

I went to the dr office for a check up. After the exam. Michaels father was told to directly to the hospital.
No stops.

Arrived at hospital was taken to delivery room. Dr arrived checked broke my water.

Dr said I’ll see you in a couple of hours. He said he’d go to get coffee and I said you won’t get your coffee.
By golly he didn’t get it as Michael was more than ready to be born.

In at 3 Michael born 332.

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Happiest moment

Was the day Raymond walked through the home improvement store that I worked at.

This man dressed with red bandanna, green t-shirt white striped shirt with sleeves rolled up and bib overalls on grabbed my attention from my job.

I looked toward the door this handsome man who is six ft tall. I thought yes he’s taken and went to work.

After a few times coming in the store the other employees started calling Raymond my friend and would go to other areas of the store so I had to wait on Raymond.

My heart was taken. First time I ever loved. Raymond taught me to love and accept love The happiest moment was when my heart came alive with a gentle touch.

Sunday Great

today was a good day and the weather was so nice.   the sun was out: beautiful day .  I enjoy days like this, they are not too hot or to cold.   a great day for walking.

I went to church today and it was wonderful.   I worked the coffee shop and went to core class.   I listed to the sermon went back to the coffee shop to help set up fresh coffee.  I also enjoyed it.   I also helped clean up the coffee containers.   some had been cleaned up.

the sermon was about closeness to God.   Ephesians 5.   Next week will be Ephesians 6.  I have to reread it with a clearer understanding of Ephesians 6.   I am staying up with the daily Bible readings.  Some I don’t understand in Genesis but reading Matthew gives a better explanation of Genesis.

a church that I can consider home.  it’s taken a long time to find a church that I can be comfortable in.   I can where comfortable clothes not like other churches that I have attended where I didn’t dressed right now I can just attend church not worrying about how to dress.   I like that I can wear pants or jeans.   I can dress up if I feel like it.

Thank you God for directing me to Port Harbor Community Church.   I pray that my children will attend one day.

what a beautiful day.

Vacation 2019

I went to NY for a week.

I stayed with wonderful sister we are having a great time.

We went kayaking on with Nancy her husband and Nancy’s son Jay   Jay tipped over which was scary for Nancy as he took a short while to come us out of the water when he did we all had a good laugh.

I fell in the water myself was glad no one was on shore to see me fall.   Lol

hav great time.

 

What a day

a day for wine. asked Kevin if he wanted to talk but he was more interested in tv.   I sais=D we could talk about anything but he closed down to me.   at least I gave him a chance to talk about any thing so I could aplodize for thing that he feels I did wrong as he grew up as a teenager.   there are things that I need to tell him I am sorry for.   I did the best that I could for them.   I’m sorry for the mistakes that I made in his teen years.

I have made mistakes as a parent but I need to say im sorry for to him and Rachael but they never give me time.  that’s ok one day it will come to a head, like popeing a pimple.   I tried today but got noware.   ill try again soon.

it will be a difficult day but I will get through it as I am strong.   I can handle anything these days   the wine not included,   I love my children but they don’t to see that.  at some the time it will all come out,

Peace

Peace to me is when my world is not turned upside down.  The stress is of little concern to me.   the stress level and my head doesn’t hurt or my heart is not breaking.    for me to have the peace that is restful.    my mind is at peace.

it has taken me many years to get to the peaceful part of my life.   always wondering when the ball will fall in my life.   waiting for the roar of a storm lingering out to sea and watching it coming and not knowing how rough the storm will be.

seeing the calm of a sunset means peace of mind for me.  the roaring all over with and seeing I made it through.   to have a peaceful place in my heart.   to live from the age of 10 to 62 in the storm was such a rough time in my life and now to continue to have peace in my life is a wow.   my life has been in a turmoil for so long, I  never thought that there would ever be a peaceful time.   sometimes it’s hard to believe that I would ever get here.

the heart is healed, the mind is at rest and my body is not so stressed.   to have these three things at one time is a great blessing.

I’m so comfortable with me now.   the life that I lead now is also a peaceful blessing.  now to get to know me in the peaceful way that I am now.    to look forward to the future instead of death.   what a wonderful life I can have now.

peace what a wonderful feeling to live with.     love is in the life of a messy mind.  love for oneself is also peace.     I have no more to fear as the peace is over me.

now that I have forgiven the people of the past has brought me peace.

 

Guilt

I feel guilty of not forgiving my parents for being left alone so  much of my life.  Not helping me during my life.

I  need to forgive they as I am feeling it is time.   I feel it in my heart.   This important so that I can go on with my life.

The guilt is breaking my heart and my thinking about it all the time.

You see when I was growing up I had little contact with them as they were in the bars more then being home.  I cooked for myself.   I was lonely so I  made friends with another girl.

We spent alot of time with her.  We were close as sisters.  We had a lot income.   Her parents     were the same, drinking all the time.  She even had a bedroom at the house.   We were like sisters.

She helped through so much.  It should have been my parents that did that helped me.   For a long I was guilty of not caring  for them.

When my father called for me to come take care of my mother as she was dieing of cancer.  The time my father needed help he calls me.   My father coulding take care if my mother, so I get called.  They didnt take care of me but my father calls me to help.   I went to Georgia to take care of my mother until her death.

Now I feel guilty for not being able to forgive them but it is time to let go to go on with my life.

It was easier to forgive my childrens father and the man that killed my son then my parents.   Now I want my full life to go on to be happy.

I want to go on with my life.   Today, it will be easier to forgive them than a month ago.  Going to church has opened my heart to forgive.

Mom, Dad I forgive you for all the loneliness and for not being there not being for me.  I loved you but you couldnt love me back.

On my mother death bed she “that she loved me and should have shown me it”.  At be fourty it was hard to deal with.  My mom died feeling guilty but she told me what she was feeling on her death bed.

Now it is my turn to forgive them.  The last thing on my list.  Mom and Dad I forgive you both.  I am in a better place in my life.   Loved you both.

 

 

 

 

 

Soccer Game

Today, I went to a soccer game to watch my grandson play.

Sean, my grandson, played for a short time but he made contact with the ball.   That is a great challenge for Sean.  There was a time he wouldn’t touch the ball or shake hands of the other boys without sani-wash.

This year has only begun and the team he is playing with a good team.  Very together and a few of the boys have been together for five years.   Sean can learn from them.

Today was a great day for Sean, am proud of him.

Kevin

My son, Kevin, cried tonight.   He wants to go back to NY to see his daughter as he hasn’t seen her in four months and misses her.   Kevin is used to seeing his daughter every day.

Missing cooking for her, spending evenings together and his stepson.   He loves cooking for his daughter as she does not fuss like the children here.   Elf eats whatever is cooked for her. So Kevin likes to cook for Elfidenne.   I’ve never seen my son cry since he was a little boy.   Tonight his emotions are on the sleeve.

Kevin plans on leaving on Saturday whether he has permission or not as he feels he doesn’t leave then he will explode.  If only he could understand that I missed him as much as he misses his daughter.

I went many years without seeing my sons and cried many a tear passed from my eyes and how my heart broke without seeing my sons.   Maybe someday I can explain how I felt as a parent.   I wonder if that time will ever come for me.  maybe I should leave it in the past and go on.

All I ask is to see my granddaughter even for a short time.  I have a special place in my heart for her.

Being Angry at GOD

At one time or another, we are angry with God.   We don’t mean to but it happens.

The two times I was angry at God was when he took my son, Michael.  There was the car accident, that took my son.   I was angry with God, so angry that he took my child.  Statements like–you had no right, why my son, God you took my son to early, he’s too young.   He’s my son, he’s innocent,  you took my son, you’re cruel, I hate you.

My second time was when Raymond died.  I was angry at God for taken Raymond.  The first time I was loved God took a good man.   Again I was angry.

I knew that my anger was at the wrong person.  God, was loyal to me.   My anger was toward the wrong and it was to God.  I should be angry at Michael as he was invited to have dinner with and he would be here today.

I think of every day he could be with me.   I think of Raymond and there had to be a cure for him.   Why hadn’t God saved them?   He had the power to heal and bring the dead to life.

I loved them so much and then they were gone.   I had to stop being angry as it was tearing me apart inside.  My health had taken a toll on me.   My monster in my head come out more.   It’s a good thing that I lived alone.   the monster was roaring.

I wrote letters to calm the monster.    As the monster calmed, I was able to come back to forgive God.  Take God into my heart.  I won’t say it was easy but time went by and I settled down.   I missed God for a long time.

I loved God and has faith.   It took me a long time to find a church that I was comfortable with.  With guidance, I have found a church and am happy there.

 

Getting Out

My dear friends, I am getting out and meeting other ladies.  I know you all think that I’ve gone over the wall, but for me going to church has brought me peace.

I am meeting other ladies through the church, Bible study, and through a widow’s group.  We met last night for the first time.  Met another lady.   That’s five ladies that I’ve made friends with.  We had a meal while we got together.

For me is a great move to have started going to church.  Now I am meeting people that are also good friends.   Now after living here, I am finally meeting other women after 5yrs of living in Virginia.

Now I can be happy and get along with my family.   I’m not stressed out as if ever about my family as I have friends to call when I need to.  that feels good to know that there are women that value me.

In the last year, I’ve met three and a school friend ladies that if I had encouragement from I would have never left my room and be depressed all the time.  With my friends from a writing group,  I would never meet ladies who believed in me.  I want to give hug and say thank you.

I have met ladies that are widows like myself.  We have a lot in common especially when one is down about the loss of a spouse.   I can help a woman that has just lost her spouse.

What I have gone through in my life can help other women.   The loss of my parents, the death of a child, and the death of a spouse.  With that knowledge, I can be strong for someone else.

There are still times when I don’t feel strong or regret as I have had to deal with all my losses by myself.   I don’t want to see other women go these issues alone but most have families but they leave and return to their homes or jobs.  Then you’re alone and have no idea where to go for help or support.  Having church friends and friends from other states or another country now that is an encouragement.

My strength has carried me through as I was alone but I pulled it together found a job, then another job that I really liked.  It was out of necessity that I found jobs.  At that time I had to work to pay the bills.

I went through major surgeries and had to take care of myself.  I ended up going back to the hospital when the packing fell out of my incising.  I got afraid so I went back to the hospital with a fever.    I had surgery here in Portsmouth and even though my son and daughter were here in the same house, I had to take care of myself.   No more surgeries for me.    I’d like to be weak for once and lean on family to help me.   I know that that won’t happen.

So to my real friends’ love, hugs, and a great big thank you.

Dog With a Bone

Foxy and Sadie each were given a bone,    Foxy was given a bone, Foxy is not much of a chewer so she dropped it, Sadie took the bone chewed it up like it was nothing. I’ve never seen a dog chewing it in half an hour.

Sadie was given another bone which was more suited for her.  Today she was chewing on the stronger bone the first bone.

  • Foxy missed out of getting a bone which I feel was her choice not to take the bone.   She doesn’t like bones.  As a puppy, she didn’t chew on furniture and that was good for us.   As for Sadie,  she’s chewed window sills, baseboards.  She is a mess with her chewing.